Which Cryptids Would Make the Best Pets: A Scientific Ranking

Which Cryptids Would Make the Best Pets: A Scientific Ranking

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Deep down, we’ve all dreamed about having a cryptid of our very own. But what about the practicalities of caring for a Sasquatch or the Jersey Devil? What would they eat? How would you keep them secret?

With this very important question in mind, I’ve ranked 7 cryptids in order from least to most practical to keep as pets.

7. A Werewolf

You can’t keep a werewolf as a pet! It’s only a dog for, at most, three nights a month. The rest of the time, it’s just some guy named Steve.

What is Steve going to do all day? Does he have a job? Will he want to borrow the car? You’ve got to think these things through before you invite a cryptid into your house.

6. Nessie

Did we learn nothing from the 2007 children’s film The Water Horse? Trying to turn a lake monster into a pet never ends well. Sure, they’re cute when they’re little. But pretty soon you’ve got a giant water-dwelling creature that needs way more care than you can give it. Hard pass.

5. The Jersey Devil

The Jersey Devil falls into that “so ugly it’s cute category.” With a deer-like body, bat wings, tiny front legs like a T-Rex, and a goat-like head, this critter is deeply strange. It’s also rumored to be very loud. You’re probably going to get quite a few calls from irritated neighbors if you try to keep one of these cryptids in captivity. Better to let them roam their natural habitat (hint: it’s New Jersey) instead.

4. A Sasquatch

The greatest part about the description for Harry and the Hendersons is that it leads with “Academy Award-nominee John Lithgow.” Because that’s clearly the selling point for this family comedy about a gentle giant who becomes part of a nice suburban family. This 1987 cinematic masterpiece proves that the real monsters are teenage girls.

3. A Chupacabra

I’m not saying you’d necessarily want a chupacabra. The goat-sucking cryptid is, honestly, pretty weird and gross. But they’re not so big and can live off local wildlife without too much trouble.

And hey, if you get caught harboring this rare creature, you can always claim that it’s a dog with mange.

2. A Black Dog

The black dogs of English and Irish folklore are harbingers of doom, sure. But they’re also essentially just really big dogs. Okay, some of them might have spectral, glowing eyes, but that’s only really a problem at night.

Otherwise, you’ve just got yourself a classic Beethoven situation.

1. A Jackalope

The jackalope is technically a wolpertinger, the German word for a taxidermy creature made out of two or more animal parts. Adding deer antlers to a stuffed hare created the jackalope (combining jackrabbit and antelope) and launched a new American legend beginning in 1930s Wyoming.

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An actual jackalope wouldn’t be that much more difficult to care for than a standard rabbit. That makes it the best cryptid to keep as a pet–but remember to adopt instead of shop, friends. Orphan jackalopes need homes.